HOT BEER, LOUSY FOOD, BAD SERVICE... WELCOME!!

play_that_song @ 2007-04-19T16:39:00

2007-04-20T00:05:10Z

There are a million other things that I should be doing but I just can't bring myself to do them right now. As I'm sure any other college student can say, the end of the semester yields itself to be the most stressful time in one's academic career. On top of the countless papers you have to write, finals you have to take and field experience hours you must complete in order to further your academic placement at your college, you have to balance your play time as well.

Lately I've been so cloudy; my mind in a million different directions. College. Life. Summer. Boys. Sex. All things any average person thinks about - some think about things more than others. There's nothing wrong with focusing on things but there comes a time when a balance must be established before you begin to dwell. I haven't begun to dwell yet but I'm teetering on the brink of it. And what am I dwelling on? If you know, care to let me know too? Thanks. I have no idea why I have been so jumbled in my thoughts. Maybe its the thoughts of all those I listen to all the time. Their thoughts penetrating my own and inevitably becoming my own. I don't understand why there are some things that cross my mind 40 times a day when they have no meaning to me other than the fleeting seconds they're the main focus of my attention. There are other things that I should think about yet for the life of me, I refuse too.

I suppose its all about balance; a symbiotic relationship between one's mind and the rest of the world. Some people have it and others do not. I used to understand how to balance the two; my world and everyone elses. I used to know beyond any unreasonable certainty that my life was exactly the way I wanted it to be. I hated it. I despised the fact that I knew everything about my own life. For the past... I'm not even sure how long at this point, I've been slowly rediscovering myself. And I've realized a few things that I didn't even know were there. I've realized that I'm an exceptionally strong willed individual; I can handle any task laid before me as long as I am able to handle it my way. I've also realized that I've done more in my 20 years of life than most 60 year olds have. I've also realized that some of my life experiences should only be read about in smut and horror novels. But one of the most interesting things I've realized about myself is that... I thrive on making other people happy way before myself. I try so hard to make sure everyone is happy and where they want to be before myself. Anyone who's ever hung out with me knows that when it comes time to do something, I'm the first one to ask "What do YOU want to do?" I say it just because I'd rather we do something that the other person wants to do rather than something I want to do. But when a select few people actually take the time to say, "No, Em. What do you want to do?" I get taken aback. Not because I don't know what to do, which is usually the case, but that someone cares.

The weight of the world, as much as I wish it could, can't solely fit on my shoulders alone. And it's nice, from time to time, to have someone to share all those burdens with. Being at college has been the best thing that has ever happened to me. When you take a step back at your life and put yourself in an environment that's new to you, you learn so many things about yourself that you never thought were there when you in a comforting environment. I've learned that I might be the life of the party, I might pre-game harder than most, I might bowl a 148 from time to time and I might be one of the most understanding people that you're likely to meet... But I've also learned that there is beauty in a leaf blowing in the wind that's stuck on a spider web thread, that hanging out with inner city African American kids for 5 hours a week is one of the most humbling things a person can do and I've also learned that a best friend is someone you can sit in silence with for hours on end and not once feel awkward, even when one person sneezes and all that the other can do is laugh and then return to what they were doing with out a single word being said. That's what life is all about. Not a sneeze, but enjoying where you are, when you're there, no matter where that is; as long as you can enjoy the time spent doing what you're doing, you've truly discovered what it means to be happy.

play_that_song @ 2007-03-14T12:31:00

2007-03-14T19:36:40Z

my amazing roommate told me about this website thing about people that send in postcards with their deepest secrets on them. we read some of them, some of them made me say 'awe damn' and some of them made me giggle. i got to thinking about my own life and my own deep sercrets. i came up with 20 of them so far, there probably will be more to come but... here you are. you should all really take a look at your life and think about your secrets. sharing them might make you feel better.

Secrets:

1. I love playing old video games & don’t really like trying new ones. Not because I’m worried I won’t do well with them, but it’s a way I can hold on to my past.

2. There are times when I’ve really wanted to punch someone in the face. There have also been times when I have.

3. Sometimes I’m jealous of the bum pushing the cart of cans down the street because the only thing he has to worry about is finding enough money for his next bottle of booze.

4. Sometimes when I see a cute, young girl in a little skirt and tall boots dancing around, I don’t think how adorable she is but rather how much of a whore she will be when she reaches high school.

5. When I walk down a street by myself and I see a black man approaching, I get really nervous that he might rob me or rape me. That never crosses my mind when I see a white man.

6. Every morning when I wake up I think today is going to be an amazing day. Every night before I go to sleep I think thank god I didn’t die.

7. Sometimes I wish I had all the minutes I’ve wasted wishing on stars back and spent that time living in the moment, not fantasizing about something that will never happen.

8. I fear that if I don’t make sexual advances towards a guy, he won’t know that I like him and loose interest in me.

9. I like it when people look at me. Maybe it’s to compliment me or to pick on me for something but at least I’m being noticed and looked at for those brief moments.

10. I still giggle inside when I hear the words penis or wiener and from time to time I’ll spell out boobs on my calculator.

11. When I think people are making the biggest mistakes of their lives, I try to tell them and advise against it. If they don’t take into consideration the consequences, I sometimes hope that they do end up making the biggest mistake and when that happens, I really have to hold my self back from saying “I told you so.”

12. I think tie-dye is one of the coolest trends that have lasted throughout the past few decades. Same with polka-dots. Unfortunately, acid wash jeans are NOT one of those trends.

13. When I’m faced with new stressors, one of the only ways I can react and keep my sanity is to become overly sarcastic.

14. I love being the jokester or the comedienne of the group of friends I have but I’m afraid that when I need to be serious, those people won’t understand. It’s already happened so many times and it really hurts.

15. I tend to brush off things by saying “oh well, whatever.” I never brush anything off that makes me say those words. Anything that comes out prior to those 3 words will stick with me for a long, long time. I just won’t tell you about it.

16. Sometimes I want nothing more than to find the man of my dreams and settle down and start a life and live happily ever after… sometimes.

17. I’m pretty sure I already found the guy of my dreams but I screwed up and let him slip away. I still think about it everyday.

18. Some of the guys in my life that have significant others aren’t out of the running, I just view those significant others as obstacles in the challenge.

19. If given the opportunity, I don’t think I’d do anything over. I’m glad things turned out the way they did because I’ve learned so many things from all the times I’ve screwed up. Maybe one day, all of those life lessons will start to sink in.

20. I was a mistake.

play_that_song @ 2007-03-05T20:14:00

2007-03-06T04:56:21Z

ever have one of those moments in your life when you realize that your parents weren't the invincible idles that you thought them to be when you were a kid?

my dad is one of those dads that you only really see in the movies... the one everyone likes, the one that fixes all problems, kills the icky spider whenever there was one that scared me, used read me bedtime stories and would come help me fix my flat tire in the dead of winter when i was an hour away... but today when i was downstairs making some dinner, my dad was sitting at the dining room table. i had my back turned and i heard sobing. i turned around and my dad had his head hung really low and his face was really red and he was shaking like when you try to cry privately when you're surrounded by people.

i just asked him what was wrong and he shook his head. i told him that i know that i'm his daughter but he could talk to me about anything if he wanted too. he just said softly, "i don't feel well." and i asked like you dont feel well when you have a cold or the flu? and he said no... he just didn't feel well anymore.

i went over to him and gave him a hug and he sniffled. he just repeated "i dont feel well, em." my dad - the man who when i was younger, i thought could beat up superman and was a better singer than anyone. the only man in my life that has been there for me through thick and thin, the man who i turn to for stability when my mother is too drunk to function, my dad...

but my daddy wasn't ever hurt by anything and now i've seen him cry... its like he IS only human and tonight i realized it. i guess in a way i've known it but tonight it was made clear.

my dad is only human.

play_that_song @ 2007-01-07T19:13:00

2007-01-08T03:27:18Z

so let me set the stage for you: there's this guy... whom i really like. i haven't ever met him, i'll be honest. he messaged me on myspace and we hit it off amazingly. like, he is a male version of me. its fantastic. he says he likes me; an awful lot. but... there's this thing, this "girl" who he was kinda seeing for a little while, but things didn't work out with her. she's pregnent, with another man's kid. and like, he says that they're friends. and that, on new years eve, she spend the night with him and they slept in the same bed and all he could do was think about me. they didn't do anything because he likes me. i believe him... but she left him a comment with "i love you...." and he messaged her back with an "i love you too"... and it just made my stomach do a flip. i'm hoping... and assuming that its all platonic. but nevertheless... i didn't like it.

i have to wait a week to meet him and i just hope in that weeks time... things pan out. as he put it, he's no longer keeping his options for other girls because he found me... and he really hopes things will work out with me and him. but idk about that. like, ugh... boys are so confusing.

can i cry yet? yeah? ok thanks.

play_that_song @ 2006-12-31T15:18:00

2006-12-31T21:18:33Z

2006

this time last year i was sitting in an airport, just having arrived home from texas with mike. this year i'm going to kim's house for a party.

ya know, thinking about this past year, there are only a few things that really stick out, none of which are important anymore. ok, thats not true. they're important, just tucked away in a different place in my memory.

the second half of this year, when i got to college again, then things started to pick up. oh life. there were a few things that i did this year that were new for me. i've been a blonde for an entire year... lol, laugh if you will, but that's a first for me. i always change my hair color. secondly, and perhaps the most drastic for me... daaarkness. anyone who knows me, knows what i mean. i met lots of amazing new people... did lots of amazing things. tried new stuff... loved it.

oh yeah, snakes on a plane. probably the best movie i've seen all year. (lol)

here's to a new year...
be safe everyone. <3

play_that_song @ 2006-10-29T17:06:00

2006-10-29T22:55:04Z

i am ok.

there have been so many things racing through my mind these past few weeks. i've been talking to a lot of my friends and they all say that i'm doing an amazing job all things considered. just going through the motions and existing is all i really can do. i've been meeting a lot of new people and thats awesome. trying to prove that i can be perfectly happy without a significant other is sometimes very easy and sometimes very hard. i dont want to sound all whiny and complaining stuff, but i just miss him. and today it hit me pretty hard when i woke up on the verge of tears due to a dream i had. like, i know that this is what both of us really need right now, more than anything. but there are sometimes when i just miss things about us so much. i mean, i have been having a lot of fun these past few weeks. but as one of my friends told me, i'm still in relationship mode. i need to get myself out of that mode and into single college student mode. life has been good to me. life has always been really good to me. ever since i was in middle school, life has really been over all good. this is the first major negative event thats happened to me in the past few years. and its been so hard. god, i dont even know what this entry is about. i think its me really finally coming to terms with things. i'm coming to terms with the fact that my life is really just me and myself now. yes, i have all of my friends who i know will talk to me whenever. but, it was just different with him. it was so different. and i need to realize that that isn't there right now. i'm not sure if it will ever be back; i can certainly hope that one day everything will be back to normal. i just never realized how hard this could actually be. holding back tears makes everything so clear. jesus christ. if you asked me if i wanted everything to go back to normal, i wouldn't because this is what he ultimately wanted first. i just agreed. i'd rather he be happy and me die inside rather than me be happy. i've always said that and now its really coming into play. i just hope he is happy. i really do. i need to move on and get past this but oh god is it easier said than done. i dont even know what to do to help me with this. not think about it? think about it? find another guy? become a lesbian? heh, i dont know. GAH! ya know, i just need to keep going through the motions. i just need to realize that i will be ok. i need to stop realizing it and i need to know it. i do know it. i know i will be ok. i know i am ok.

i AM ok.

play_that_song @ 2006-10-22T12:16:00

2006-10-22T16:28:19Z

this weekend rocked
its still not over yet but i got a lot of confidence back in myself that i had forgotten i had. a friend came to visit from back home and it was fantastic. we went to see A NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS in 3-D and it was amazing. he spent the night and went home this morning. and to top it all off, he made my bed! ha.

this weekend was just a lot of fun and i loved every bit about it.

<3 <3

play_that_song @ 2006-10-19T22:06:00

2006-10-20T05:09:39Z

mutual? yes.
heartbreaking? yes.

everything has been going pretty well, all things considered.
i dont even know what to say, really.

i'm just going, day by day. happy, really. i am. just, still confused about a lot of things.
but i guess i will always be.

smile :)

play_that_song @ 2006-10-16T00:19:00

2006-10-16T07:19:45Z

I can believe things that are true and I can believe things that aren't true and I can believe things that nobody knows if they're true or not. I believe that mankind's destiny lies in the stars. I believe that candy really did taste better when I was a kid, that it's aerodynamically impossible for a bumblebee to fly, that light is a wave and a particle, that there's a cat in a box somewhere who's alive and dead at the same time (although if they don't ever open the box to feed it it'll eventually just be two different kinds of dead), and that there are stars in the universe billions of years older than the universe itself... I believe that anyone who says that sex is overrated just hasn't done it properly. I believe that anyone who claims to know what's going on will lie about the little things too. I believe in absolute honesty and sensible social lies. I believe in a woman's right to choose, a baby's right to live, that while all human life is sacred there's nothing wrong with the death penalty if you can trust the legal system implicitly, and that no one but a moron would ever trust the legal system. I believe that life is a game, that life is a cruel joke, and that life is what happens when you're alive and that you might as well lie back and enjoy it.

fuck yes.

play_that_song @ 2006-09-20T13:12:00

2006-09-20T17:23:25Z

i haven't updated in a very long time. namely because i didn't really have the time or did the urge strike me. besides, not many people read/comment anyway. not a big deal, anyways. so college has begun once again. three weeks into it and i'm loving it. my classes aren't that hard, they aren't too easy. i have an awesome schedule and an awesomer roommate compaired to the shit head i had last year. but there are somethings i've realized in being here that i need to change about my own life otherwise my life is going to take a turn for the worst...

firstly, i need to be more accepting of other people and their personality/mannarisms. i get so pissed off at some people for the way they do certain things, or hell, for the way they look half the time. and that is something i need to knock off. they can't control the fact that they're ugly, or have no fashion sense. and besides, if i keep ridiculing other people, eventually someone is going to hear me and i'm going to get into a fight. they'll loose, of course, but nevertheless, i've already been scracthed once this year, i don't need to add a brawl to the list.

secondly, once i am more accepting of other people i need to be more accepting of my friends. i have some friends that i've really just been pretty fed up with here. some who were pretty close to me and others who i didn't really even give a chance to get close to be before i passed judgement. i really need to try to accept that they are the way they are for whatever reasons, and get beyond the fact that they sometimes act like major idiots. hah, i really need to put my personal vendettas from last year aside and move on.

thirdly, i need to not be so harsh on my loved ones. my loved one. i need to be more supportive of things he wants to do. but i get so caught up in how something he might do is going to affect us that i just freak out and snap. its nothing really horrible that he's going to do but i'm just so worried that its going to affect us in a negative way i immediately shut down. granted, moving to the night shift really wouldn't be a good idea for any relationship, but one that survives on the night... and then taking that way is not the greatest idea. i barely get to see him and when i do, its usually at night. and then there are the weekends. if he ever lost those, i'd die. luckly i get to see him every other weekend which is really nice. its unfortunately that our other way of communication is the goddamned phone. i used to love the friggin' phone now i hate it. being in person is just so much better.

lastly, i need to step up my game in my classes. i'm such a procrastinator that i just let things go for far too long and by the time i start them i end up being so stressed because i've waited. i've been doing a really good job so far with my time management, but i need to do better. i've been keeping an "AGENDA BOOK" this year and that's been helping, actually. so i need to step up my game HARDCORE.

all in all, i need to just be a happier person, more accepting of others and their ways. i hope people read this. i need to go take a shower<3

play_that_song @ 2006-05-08T11:23:00

2006-05-08T15:25:26Z

can't really explain it, its just something that i feel.

something's wrong.
i can't place my finger on it.
i just know - deep down inside me.
it hurts & i don't know why.

am i afraid of something?
do i need a change? to change?

i'm broken and i dont know how to fix myself.
::sigh::

here we go again.

play_that_song @ 2006-05-04T23:27:00

2006-05-05T03:28:06Z

1. Who are you?
2. Are we friends?
3. When and how did we meet?
4. How have I affected you?
5. What do you think of me?
6. What's the fondest memory you have of me?
7. How long do you think we will be friends?
8. Do you love me?
9. Do you have a crush on me?
10. Would you kiss me?
11. Would you hug me?
12. Physically, what stands out?
13. Emotionally, what stands out?
14. Do you wish I was cooler?
15. On a scale of 1-10, how hot am I?
16. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
17. Am I loveable?
18. How long have you known me?
19. Describe me in one word.
20. What was your first impression?
21. Do you still think that way about me now?
22. What do you think my weakness is?
23. Do you think I'll get married?
24. What makes me happy?
25. What makes me sad?
26. What reminds you of me?
27. If you could give me anything what would it be?
28. How well do you know me?
29. When's the last time you saw me?
30. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
31. Do you think I could kill someone?
32. Are you going to put this on your LiveJournal and see what I say about you

sue me. i'm bored. dont want to study. DO IT!

i'll love you. forever.

play_that_song @ 2006-04-26T03:55:00

2006-04-25T19:59:30Z

ATTENTION!

Lets play a game! NAME THAT RANDOM SONG LYRIC!! Its as simple as that just name the song and artist/tv show as to where the lyric comes from.

THANKS!

Get them all correct and we will negotiate your prize.

Get most of them correct and you get a pack of gum or something equivalent.

Get few or none of them correct and you should be lobotomized.

25-30: you lying slutbag- dont cheat!

20-24: you music whore- get out more.

15-19: you're pretty music savvy. i'd hit it.

10-14: its ok, i was dumb once, too.

5-9: holy fuck, how are we friends?

0-4: die. just die.

Hugs, Kisses & Emoticons,

Miss Emily <33

1. So you sailed away, into a grey sky morning

2. All you see is violence in movies and sex on tv

3. Ive got the magic stick

4. How you even get them britches on

5. I wish that I was anywhere, with anyone

6. I cant remember if I cried, when I read about his widowed bride

7. Ive seen more guts in 11 year old kids

8. Her name is Noel, I have a dream about her, and she rings my bell

9. It's much more fun, I must confess, with lives on the line..."

10. Like disco lemonade

11. Tangerine trees and marmalade skies

12. The rainstorm and the rivers are my brothers

13. Will someone please call a surgeon who can crack my ribs and repair this broken heart?

14. Dontcha wish your girlfriend was hot like me?

15. Watching X-Files with the lights on

16. They just found your father in a swimming pool

17. Never a wish better than this

18. Oops there go my kids all over your face, oh my

19. I only want sympathy in the form of you getting into bed with me

20. Cut my wrists and black my eyes

21. Youre just like a dream, just like a dream (The Cure Just like heaven)

22. Set them free at the break of dawn, til one by one

23. Look at these photographs

24. Boom, boom, boom, boom. I want you in my room

25. I dont ever think Ill make it on time, by the time I grab my books and I give my self the look, Im at the corner just in time to see the bus fly by

26. Life in plastic, its fantastic

27. That Fiona and me do it in his van every Sunday

28. Listening to 80s songs and quoting lines from all the movies that we love

29. I said theres nothing that I can do for you that you cant do for yourself

30. Jaws was never my scene and I dont like Stars Wars

play_that_song @ 2006-04-24T20:42:00

2006-04-25T00:49:50Z

so my week consists of the following:

monday: american religions 9:20am-10:15am
                       **working on psych paper due tuesday**
                 racial images 2:45pm-5:15pm
                      **finish psych paper. write french essay due thrusdays**

tuesday: french 11:30-12:45pm
                psych 1:00-2:15pm - paper due
                english 4:10-5:55pm
                   **meet with group to work on presentation @7:15 til whenever**

wednesday: american religions 9:20am-10:15am
                        **work on 2nd psych paper due thrusday**
                       **do research for racial images presentation**

thrusday: french 11:30-12:45pm
                   psych 1:00-2:15pm - paper due
                  english 4:10-5:55pm
                      **meet with group to work some more on presentation @ 7:15 til whenever**

friday: BREATHE!!
                **do more research for racial images presentation**

saturday: mike - if he can make it up
               **work on presentation for racial images**

sunday: PARK FEST @ high noon

so when did like, college become like, really hectic and crazy?
anyone else sharing this absolute chaos with me?!
isn't it great... <333

oh yeah, my boyfriend - michael pisano - rocks.

so do my bffs. <3

play_that_song @ 2006-04-20T01:12:00

2006-04-20T05:13:53Z

ew?

i dont know really what to think.
gas prices are ridiculous.
our economy is suffering.

and this is what our society gets?
fuck this. i'm moving to Italy.

play_that_song @ 2006-04-17T10:28:00

2006-04-17T14:36:15Z

so talk about interesting family gatherings... this one totally takes it all.
let me take you back.

::setting:: about 2:30 in the afternoon on saturday. beautiful day, not a cloud in the sky. the breeze was blowing gently and the birds were chirping. glorious. mike and i were sitting on the deck taking to my cousin and grandmother when my father came over.

"Um, Emily and Mike... Can you come here for a minute? There was an accident."
Now I'm immediately thinking that like, the cat got run over by a car or that something happened along those lines. Oh no. He continues, "John and I were playing baseball and it hit Mike's car."

By now I was thinking to myself -Oh, just a little dent. Maybe a back light got busted. Not a big deal-

We get outside and see the damage. So, you know how on cars there is a back window? Yeah, Mike's car doesn't have one of those anymore because the glass was shattered into a million little shards of glass strewn about his entire car. All because of a freakin' baseball that smashed into his back window.

Mike is a pretty easy going guy. I'm a pretty easy going girl. We just sat there for a minute and laughed a bit. Started to get the glass out of the car. We called his insurance and they're going to take care of everything. (Thank God) My cousin was upset because he thought it was his fault, which it wasn't. It wasn't anyones fault, just a freak accident.

Truly, this Easter will be a holiday to remember.

play_that_song @ 2006-04-12T20:09:00

2006-04-13T03:09:49Z

1. Who was your first prom date? My first and only prom date – my darling boyfriend, Mike.

2. Who was your first roommate? Lindsey… but that didn’t last very long. Then it was Brett… that lasted for about 3 months [haha] then it became anyone else. Namely Kim.

3. What alcoholic beverage did you drink when you got drunk the first time? Oooh, probably Sex On The Beach.

4. What was your first job? Working at my barn <3

5. What was your first car? Percival. A gender confused, bodacious, candy apple red 2000 Grand Am GT.

6. When did you go to your first funeral? My first funeral was my great grandmother’s when I was 8.

7. How old were you when you first moved away from your hometown? I never really “moved” away just yet, however I went to college in Albany which is sort of close enough...

8. Who was your first grade teacher? Mrs. Lober – coolest teacher ever.

9. Where did you go on your first ride on an airplane? I was too young to remember but it was to California.

10. When you snuck out of your house for the first time, who was it with? I never had to sneak around. My parents let me go where I wanted, when I wanted.

11. Who was your first Best Friend and are you still friends? Lauren West – sort of.

12. Where was your first sleepover? Oooh, um… Caitlin’s house... When I was 5.

13. Who is the first person you call when you have a problem? Mike. If he isn’t available, then my female friends.

14. Whose wedding were you in the first time you were a bridesmaid or groomsmen? I was the flower girl at my Uncle’s wedding.

15. What is the first thing you do in the morning? If I’m in a good mood, smile and wake up… take a deep breath and say, “today is going to be a good day.” If I’m in a bad mood, hit the snooze a few times, wake up finally and curse out the world.

16. What was the first concert you ever went to? Good Charlotte – just like every other girl in my generation who was remotely PUNK-ROXXORS.

17. First tattoo or piercing? Ears – when I was 8. There is more to come.

18. First celebrity crush? Err… I don’t really know. Probably Josh Harrnet.

19. Age of first real kiss with tongue? Oh, um… err… 8. On the bus. With a 5th grader named Brian.

20. First crush? Rowan. <333

21. First REAL love? Ugh… someone I wish I never was involved with… I can’t deny that I was in love and it was my first true love that I remember distinctly, but I wish I didn’t. But ask a question about who is the love of my life? That one I can tell you without any doubt. <3

play_that_song @ 2006-04-10T17:47:00

2006-04-10T22:07:41Z

i haven't gone on a rant in a while... i think i'll do so now:

life is about messing up once in a while.
trust me - i've done it many times.

just because you are a "GOOD STUDENT" doesn't mean you always have to fit the profile.
stereotypes can suck my left one, to be quiet honest.
i'm tired of all of this "i'm a good girl/boy... i can't do this..."

BULL. FUCKING. SHIT.

...alright...

you don't drink. commendable.
you don't swear. pussies.
you don't go from partner to partner. excellent choice - venereal diseases aren't really cool.
you don't go out to bars and hang with your friends. who the fuck cares what you do with your own time.
you don't study for hours on end. amen, sister.
you don't ever tell the truth & lie about the simpliest shit. well, that isn't forgivable and i want to stab you in the face.

i love my friends dearly, each and everyone of them.
however, some of them need to take the massive sticks that were shoved up their asses.
i'm mean, honestly... i'm getting sick of it.

one friend always pressures our little "group" to go out to the bars and HAVE FUN.
well, i know i can have fun in MANY OTHER WAYS rather than just go out to a bar & guy watch. that isn't my idea of like... a rockin' good time on an idle tuesday. and another thing... why go to a bar if you aren't going to drink? for the atmosphere? for the ambiance? for the awesome SOBER people that are there so you can have an intelligent conversation about various world affairs? NO.

another friend of mine is so concerned about her life and the future and what is going to happen tomorrow and what is going to happen 10 minutes from now... and so concerned with her GPA that it kind of makes me want to punch an infant. like, honestly - i'm concerned about my GPA and my futures, but i don't effin' loose hairs over it. she's always complaining about how she works so much, and how she has so much on her plate, and this that and the other goddamned thing. well, quite frankly... SHUT THE FUCK UP. I DONT GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YOUR SCHEDULE AND HOW HARD IT IS. I'M TAKING THE SAME COURSE LOAD! fuckin' a.

then this other friend... won't go out. ever. ok, yes, i understand that she's extremely concervative. she's very smart, intelligent, kind... one of the sweetest girls i know. but, hm... once in a while it wouldn't kill ya to go out and hang out with your friends like... at a setting other than school and other than the mall. i've never even seen her outside of school when it was dark out. honestly. whatever.

then this other... thing i know. well, she's just a waste of flesh. alot of people are like, oh - she isn't that bad. she seems nice. she's sweet. yeah, i used to be fooled, too. no, she is lying. backstabing. vile. foul. evil. cunning. she's just... disgusting. she lies about everything. even the simpliest things. even about kissing someone. even about what the fuck she had for freakin' dinner. jesus christ. if your life is so horrible that you have to make up events? people? relationships? you're really in need of some extreme help. white lies are ok. these kind of lies are methodical, well thought out, evil and cunning.

then i have this male friend who has to analyize every. little. thing. oh this girl said this, does it mean that? she did this today, does it mean that she's going to break up with me? she didn't call me back, has she moved on? HOLY MOTHER OF PISS. NO! it means that this girl has concious thought! things change. jesus flippin' hoebag. i can't take it sometimes. he loves to hear himself talk. 3 hours on the phone... just him and me saying, "uh-huh. yep. oh definitely. you're so right. yep. right. exactly." its so irrating sometimes. and then when its about him - i'm always here. but when its about me? nope. he's no where to be found. whatever, i thought friendship was a two way street... maybe i was wrong.

alright, well. that was my little shpeal.
some things that i've been thinking about. no bother.

on a positive note:
i'm going home on thursday. i can't wait.

play_that_song @ 2006-04-06T20:44:00

2006-04-07T04:04:26Z

Somewhere between the procrastination,
~~And the homework~~,
And the new friendships,
And the nasty dorm food,
And the calls home complaining about roommates & boyfriends...

Somewhere between the phone calls to old friends,
And the "I miss you's",
And the "I love you's",
And the "I can't wait to see you again's",
And somewhere between all of the changing and growing...

...

Somewhere between ~~classes~~
And the skipping classes,
_{And the studying for tests,}And the pretending to study for tests,
And downright NOT studying for tests...

I forgot.
~~I forgot what it was like to be in high school.~~
I forgot what it meant to cry.
I forgot that pretending to be happy doesn't make you happy.
And that pretending to be smart doesn't make you smart.

I forgot that you can't forget the past.
I forgot that you can't control falling in love,
And that you can't make yourself fall in love.

I learned that I can love.
I learned that good food doesn't really seem great until you can't have it again.
And I learned that even I would grow to love ramen and mac & cheese.

I noticed that I get along better with my mom now than I ever did before.
And it wasn't because she changed - it was because I changed.

I learned that going to college means making choices,
And that making choices can get you into trouble.
I learned that it's ok to mess up,
And it's ok to ask for help.

I learned that sometimes the things you want most in life you just can't have.

I learned that the greatest thing about college isn't the parties,
Or the drinking,
Or the guys...

It's the chances.
Taking those chances, and making the most of them.

I learned that the things we want to forget
Are the things which we most need to talk about.
I learned that once you go to college, things do't automatically get better...
It's what you make of them.
I learned that letters from friends are the most important thing...
And that sending cards to your friends makes you feel better.

But basically, I just learned that my friends
-Both old and new-
Are the most important people to me in the world.
And without them, I wouldn't be who I am today.

So this is a thank you to all my friends for always being there.
I love you.

*never have I found something so applicable to my own life*

play_that_song @ 2006-04-04T21:29:00

2006-04-05T04:29:46Z

*What's your favorite....*
Beverage (non-alc) ?	err... i'd say coke but i really shouldn't drink it anymore
Beverage (alc) ?	oooh midori sours, amarretto sours, sea breeze, sex on the beach... the list goes on.
Color ?	pink & blue... red & black
Food ?	SUSHI!
Item of clothing ?	oooh hmm... my 7 jeans or mikey's polar fleeces
Meal of the day ?	uh, hm... dinner?
Feature on yourself ?	eyes or legs or lips or chest
Quality in a guy/girl ?	sense of humor
Phrase ?	holy mother of ballsack or why dont you return to your home on whore island.
Song ?	lullabye.
Musical Artist/Band ?	billy joel, harry chapin, the killers, brand new...
Sport ?	horse back riding.
Movie ?	errrr... the matrix trilogy & LORD OF THE RINGS trilogy
TV Show ?	family guy & the simpsons... roseanne, too.
Radio Station ?	err, 96.9 or 104.7 i
Type of Chocolate ?	milk or white
Eye Color ?	mikey's.
*Do you/Have you ever....*
Have any pets ?	yes.
Smoke ?	yes.
Drink ?	yes.
Have any piercings ?	yes. i want more, tho.
Have any tatoos ?	not yet.
Cheat on a boyfriend/girlfriend	never ever ever ever.
Had sex ?	ohh yes.
Gone streaking ?	not yet.
Gone skinny dipping ?	yes.
Been to Europe ?	yes.
Been to an island ?	yes.
Had stitches ?	not yet.
Broken any bones ?	not yet.
Been stabbed/shot ?	nope.
Slept until after 12:00 ?	hell yes.
Stayed up all night ?	yes yes yes.
Danced like a whore ?	hahaha, probably.
Hooked up with 2 people in one weekend ?	nahh.
Turned down a dare ?	dont think so.
*Which friend....*
Is the funniest ?	jess, mikey, k-love,
Is the prettiest ?	they're all purdy in their own way.
Is the most handsom ?	JOE FABIANO... and my darling boyfriend.
Is the loudest ?	jess or audrey.
Is the craziest ?	audrey or ellen or jess or bonnie..
Is the most shy ?	kimberlove.
Is the most loving ?	michael <333
Is the most understanding ?	kimberlove. jessica. michael <3
Is the most boring ?	aha i can't answer that.
Is the richest ?	ass-munchers
Is the most athletic ?	ellen or charlotte
Is the most cocky ?	audrey ::stabs::
Is the biggest sex icon ?	uh, thats definitely me.
Is the most wordly/cultured ?	me, too.
Do you look up to the most ?	jess.
Do you tell everything to ?	jess, kimberlove, michael.
Has the best clothes ?	err... uhh... hmm... idk
Has the best house ?	kimberlove or michaels.
*Would you ever....*
Eat pizza with chocolate chips ?	one or the other.
Kiss someone of the same sex ?	been there. done that.
Cheat on someone you love ?	hell no.
Run away from home ?	once when i was like... 3
Lie to your parents ?	uh ,yes.
Lie to your boyfriend/girlfriend ?	never.
Lie to your best friend ?	never.
Give a homeless person money ?	done that a few times - in italy
Run from the police ?	ah, no.
Bungee jump ?	yeah.
Sky dive ?	yes.
Cross dress ?	yes.
Be an exotic dancer ?	ahah we'll see.
Walk out of a restaurant without paying ?	never, dont wany too.
Scuba dive ?	yes.
Go rock climbing ?	probably not.
Go spulunking (caving) ?	idk about that.
*What do you think of when you hear....*
Eminem ?	white rapper.
Bologna ?	o-s-c-a-r
Hott ?	ME
Orange ?	peel
Real world ?	ROAD RULES
Fuck ?	me
Jack ?	off
Cucumber ?	melon
Hip-Hop ?	scooby do op dop
Uniform ?	nurse
UniCORN ! ?	faries
Rainbow ?	colors
Clown ?	SCARY
CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!

play_that_song @ 2006-04-03T17:51:00

2006-04-03T22:02:35Z

this weekened was awesome
...
+ i went home
+ saw the bf like always
♥
+ saw jessica which was freakin' sweet
+ went to a sex hypnotist with jessica, kimberlove, danielle, steph and nicole - i regret not getting hypnotized
+ received lots of kisses && various other forms of emotional love
+ played at least 3 hours of SUPER MARIO BROTHERS on SNES!!

talk about love

play_that_song @ 2006-03-21T19:57:00

2006-03-22T01:03:21Z

the past, the present and the future...

one we can't change, one we don't know how to change and the other we're afraid to change...

yet no one can fucking man up and do things to change things. they sit and wallow in their own self pity, hoping that shit will change one day on its own, hoping that things will go their way, this magical way that will make their lives perfect... this way that will fix all of their broken hearts, mend all the cuts and scrapes they've gotten on the way from falling so hard for this one guy...

well FUCK YOU ALL. you want to change? yet you're all just going to sit around and complain and not do a fucking god damned thing about it? you're just going to sit and moan and complain until about how fat you are? or how ugly you are? or how you wish you could be like that girl over there? or want that guy over there...

well you know what? you are fat. you are ugly. you'll never look like that girl and you'll certainly never get that guy over there... if you keep this fucking attitude of how you just aren't good enough. i'm sick of it. all of my friends who i love dearly... are just stuck in their own little egocentric little worlds and can't escape their freakin' bubbles for a second to realizet hat this world we exist in... IS NOT THAT FUCKING BAD.

i'm getting a headache over all of this pointless and menial shit. complaining will get you no where. so fucking act on these things you want to do, these things you want to be... man up and take charge of your own god damned life and stop putting all of this shit on your shoulders and especially on mine.

play_that_song @ 2006-03-20T17:31:00

2006-03-20T22:41:47Z

listen to the seasons passing
...listen to the wind blow...
listen to the children asking

"where do broken dreams go?"

*****

so, it needs to warm up asap because i want to wear skirts
&&
wear sandals feeling the wind blowing between my toes
like, now
:D

i

heart

life

play_that_song @ 2006-03-13T00:05:00

2006-03-13T05:17:41Z

is that all my friendship is to you?

a joke?
a "hello"... followed immediately by a pause && blank stare?

...
a "goodbye" with no sincerity??

replacement
shame
deceit
??

...

.so many lost memories.

for nothing?

i've tried.
we've lied.
i give up.
here's the god damned towel.
...you win...

"goodbye"

play_that_song @ 2006-03-08T21:15:00

2006-03-09T02:22:14Z

1. honestly, are you happy right now?
i'm pretty bored, actually... so i'm semi-happy

2. honestly, what color is your underwear?
satin && green <33

3. honestly, whats on your mind right now?
michael. watching the lion king.

4. honestly, what are you doing right now?
watching The Lion King, eating Chex mix && drinking juice... and typing... all at the same time... right now.

5. honestly, what did you do today?
pfft... watched my car, had a doctors appt... cleaned my room

6. honestly, do you like someone?
more than like.

7. honestly, have you done something bad today?
not really?

8. honestly, do you watch disney channel?
YES!

9. honestly, are you jealous of someone right now?
hmm... not really...

10. honestly, what makes you happy most of the time?
what? SUSHI<3, new shoes, a nice clean room
who? MICHAEL

11. honestly do you bite your nails?
hmm... yes

12. honestly, what is your mood right now?
honestly? mellow

13. honestly, have you had an eating disorder?
nope

14. honestly, do you want to see someone this very minute?
i do want to see him badly

15. honestly, do you have a deep dark secret?
pfft... not really

16. honestly, do you want someone right now?
yes. dear god yes.

17. honestly, who do you wanna be with right now?
mikey

18. honestly, are you in denial?
i dont think so...

19. honestly, have you ever lied to your parents?
a few times, yes.

20. honestly, wouldn't you rather be having sex right now?
wouldn't we all?

21. honestly, have you ever consumed alcohol?
well, not yet today...

22. honestly, do you like someone?
ive already answered this question...

23.honestly, have you ever been in love?
i am currently....

24. honestly, is it going anywhere with them?
yes it is.

25. honestly, did you answer all these questions honestly?
honest. i honestly swear i did answer those questions honestly to my full honest heart.